Parenting….what the handbook doesn’t tell you…


Parenting – there are more handbooks than there are baby name books, but sometimes you just have to wing it!  I was laughing about parenting stories with friends last week, as we chatted about all those experiences that aren’t in the parenting handbook. Looking back these times are hilarious, but at the time – not so much.

If you’d told me years ago I would have calmly picked another human’s nose without blinking an eye I would have looked at you in horror.  Now don’t get me wrong, parenting is full of amazing moments and everyday wonder, but there’s plenty of gross stuff too!  Here’s some of my highlights (lowlights)….

(Warning, discussion of body fluids and gross stuff ahead!)

The Pooh-nami

One of my first and most vivid nappy experiences – they always stay with you.  In the split second between whipping the old nappy off and grabbing the new one, something exploded.  My obviously very well fed baby let rip an enormous newborn poop.  I was covered like someone had turned on a fire hose.  I turned sideways against the onslaught and the splatter reached 1.5 metres further, to the hall door. My hands dripping,I stood in shock for a good 10 seconds , looking from my front, to the floor and back to my innocent looking bub…. all I can say is that peeling off my clothes was fun.   Never underestimate a newborn.

The esca-Pea

Dinner time – an innocent pile of peas turned into a trip to the emergency department in the blink of an eye.  My 2 year old, in between putting peas in his mouth, decided to stuff one into his nose… there ever a reason why with toddlers?  It’s kinda like the Mt Everest quote – ‘because it was there’! 10 minutes later, we’re on the floor with a pile of tissues,  a pair of tweezers and the emergency torch….conceding defeat.  The health hotline assured us a trip to the ED was required in case the pea dropped further down from his nasal passages into his lungs.  4 hours later the pea has been liberated, and toddler and Daddy are back home. I don’t think I served up peas again for a looong time!

Fun At the Pharmacy

Monday morning, heading to the pharmacy to pick up much needed  asthma meds for my oldest.  of course I need them today cos I am so disorganised, will I ever get this meds schedule right?! Three kids under 4.  And me. The oldest in a temporary cast, and pumped full of nurofen – from a suspected broken arm at kindergarten. He’s looking a little green. In all the chaos I forgot he doesn’t tolerate nurofen well.  I grab a sick bag on my way out.  The baby is screaming, tears and snot running down one of my arms as I hold and rock her.  Mr 2 is swinging off railings, but these ones are retractable and collapse under pressure.  I’m starting to think those toddler leashes I hate are a great idea.  Mr 4 is looking green again,…mummy I feel sick.  Baby screams, toddler swings, mr 4 throws up.  I manage to hold out the vomit bag in one hand and catch it all.  I feel like I just scored the winning try in an Olympic grand final.

Now I am juggling a screaming Bub and a full barf bag. Of course, now the attendant calls my name – the meds are ready…!

The bath bomb

Enter the toddler years …I have experienced the bath bomb more times than I care to recount.  All I can say is, if your instinct tells you your toddler is about to poop in the bath,  don’t ignore it!  Call it and rip them out of the bath quicker than you can say holy floating bath bombs, batman! Cos there’s nothing fun about scooping toddler poop out of the bath.  Or scrubbing and disinfecting all the Octonauts ….again.

How about you, what are some of your parenting experiences that you never would have imagined before having kids? I’d love to hear!!

Have a great week peeps!